Perspective. Working on gaining perspective this morning.
It occurred to me that I have been under a fair amount of stress for quite some time ... actually more than 2 years altogether, though for a while I spent some time in denial ... no not the river in Egypt!!
Bob's initial cancer diagnosis was more than 2 years ago. That was a very stressful time as he and I did not agree on how to proceed. Eventually I came to the conclusion that I needed to honor his choices and I made 'peace' with the path he chose. We spent a lot of money on alternative methods, eventually realizing we could not keep it up. Then denial ... well not complete denial ... I was always aware that he had cancer but I couldn't do anything about it ... he had to make that choice.
Then late this past summer he began to not feel well. He decided to go to the doctor and had another PSA test and the numbers had risen significantly. That began this most recent leg of the journey ... with things really peaking in September as we learned more details about his cancer. Many strong emotions since then. Since our trip to Mexico in late October there are been more balance ... Bob was able to come to some 'peace' about his condition, helping him find a way to cope on a day-to-day basis. Bob's 'peace' meant life was less 'intense' for me. We are both deeply passionate and intense people.
And so ... since then much has transpired. Life has continued, with some days 'up' and some days 'down', not unlike life in general but with the added twist and ever present awareness that life is indeed tenuous at best and the future is always uncertain. Add things like the holidays (while fun also stressful), a bum tooth, a heart attack (FIL), cancer treatment, work, and just the everyday things that happen like money stresses, cut backs at work, strange family dynamics, mechanical breakdowns, so on and so forth ... you all live life, you know what they are and can be ... and I realize that it shouldn't surprise me that I feel tired, that I find my emotions are much more easily triggered these days, that I sometimes feel like curling up in the fetal position and sobbing, that I sometimes eat more than I really planned, that I often don't feel like socializing, that I wish at times I could just run away.
Stressing about how much I weigh isn't productive. Instead I need to really let it sink in that maintaining my weight in the range that I have for the number of months that I have is an incredible accomplishment. It must mean something. I must realize that when I choose to feel badly about my body, the number on the scale, even what I chose to put in my mouth at any given moment in time it is a way to 'hurt' myself and I must stop it as quickly as I can. I think sometimes that it is easier to fret about food and weight because it 'feels like' maybe it is in my control. Of course it really is in my control ... but somehow I twist it around and use it to hurt myself ... not all the time, but certainly sometimes. I am smiling, because I just realized that in the past I would 'hurt' myself pretty much all of the time and didn't even have a clue that I was doing it!! Now I do have a clue!! In fact, I am even able to stop myself in the process. Big SIGH and tears. Life is so interesting.
Someone told me, many years ago that being able to feel 'pain' or 'sadness' meant that we were also able to feel 'great joy' and 'peace'. I guess kind of the ying and yang concept. Without great pain how would we recognize great joy? Someone else told me that we each compare our 'insides' to the 'outsides' of other people. We don't really know what other people think or feel in their internal world unless they share it ... and many do not share it. Many others aren't even really very aware of their internal processes ... they numb it with exterior things ... it is too painful ... blast it with music, feed it food, alcohol, drugs, sex, fill it with duty, work, restoring cars ... whatever.
I AM glad I am me. I do sometimes want to escape ... but where can I go? I do take 'breaks' and let myself visualize, go on vacation, watch an inane movie, read a book, exercise, and so forth. But I am also 'tired' and just want to quit. LOL!!! Like I could really quit.
2 more days of radiation. Another difficult night for my hubby. The folks at the cancer center tell him the side effects he has now are from the broader treatments they did targeting his lymph nodes and they expect that those side effects are peaking and will soon subside. His current treatments are targeted directly on the prostate. And so, I plan on working from home today. Fortunately I have been slugging around files with me, to and from the office, so I do have quite a bit I can work on. And, I guess in a weird sort of way it is good I have been 'behind' in paperwork because I really do have plenty of work I can do without seeing any clients!!
You are not going to believe what I am about to tell you. I was in a hurry to 'run' to the bathroom, tripped over the strap on my bag sitting on the floor with all my work files in it and fell!! I fell into a table, hitting my upper chest with the corner of the table and fell to the floor. So now I have a very sore rug burn on one knee and it hurts all the way into my upper shoulder and down my right arm. I can move everything so I don't think I broke anything but I am fairly certain I am going to be quite sore for a while. It hurts to breathe. Of course it has to be my right side too. Holy crap. Talk about being klutzy. I scared the dog, myself, and my poor husband who thought someone was breaking into the house. Guess it was a good thing I already planned to be home from work today and tomorrow. Looks like I'll be taking it easy. If I need to I'll call my doctor later but I think I just bruised myself and tweaked everything really well. Not much the doctor can do.
I think you'll understand if I skip my grateful list for now. Think I'll go recline on the sofa. Take care ... and watch where you walk!!!
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83.2 公斤
最近减少: 34.4 公斤.
还有: 0 公斤.
饮食准则: 合理的.
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628 千卡
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脂肪: 21.70克 | 蛋白质: 42.40克 | 碳水物: 63.00克.
早餐: fat free cheese slice, Jarlsberg Lite, roasted Chicken, large egg. 小食/其他: Oreo Thin Crisps 100 Calorie Packs. 更多的......
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一星期增加0.1 公斤
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1到20,总共21
![](https://m.ftscrt.com/static/images/box/membersicon.gif) 评论
I'm all in favor of a good curl up on the couch , and maybe a hot bath too...on a short term basis sometimes we need comfort where we can find it...a taco, a movie, a DQ, a good laugh...obviously the ones without calories are preferable but short term cut yourself a break. You know when you want to focus on weight loss you can do it and for now try to give yourself a rest on any front you can get one.
2010年02月25日 会员:: sharonfriz
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You poor thing! Definitely curl up on the couch and relax. I second the idea of a hot bath!
2010年02月25日 会员:: Chris1979
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"sometimes that it is easier to fret about food and weight because it 'feels like' maybe it is in my control" I like that - its really true. Its also true that you can hurt yourself with it like you said... I think the best thing for you may be to put the scale away. Keep doing all your great exercise, and eating right, but you don't need to worry more about anything. You know that you are in your "range" so your good! Sorry you fell - I haven't known you that long, and this is your second fall!!! Maybe you need a new set of glasses lady!!! LOL I'm so happy that Bob is in his 2nd to last day of radiation. I know this is the hardest part, but soon it will be over, and you will be able to get going with the rest of your life. Its also great that your able to work from home - thats so great. Have a great day, take it easy, and try not to fall again!
2010年02月25日 会员:: MomofTwoGirls
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Great journal today Moose. I really appreciate you sharing your thoughtful processes as you work through the crushing stress you have right now. You have done such a tremendous job of learning to be kind to yourself even when being cruel and hurtful seems easier. I think your fall is an indication that you need as much of a break as you can manage. Be careful and take it easy today if you can. Watch something really dumb that will give you a good laugh. I suggest Blades of Glory. :)
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Moose, if it hurts when you breathe, make sure you didn't break a rib. I'm so sorry you got hurt... This is a great journal you wrote this morning. You're able to put things in perspective and see what you've been through, what you've done, and how wiser you became. It's obvious that you need to slow down, you need time for yourself. Please take good care of yourself!
2010年02月25日 会员:: jessyline
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Yes Moose get yourself checked out and make sure you are alright. I know how tough things have been for you and yet you go on and are still thankful and positive. You have had more than your fairshare of stress lately and I am so sorry for that. As I told Jessy I for one will be glad when this month is over. Please try to have a better day today. Hugs to you!
2010年02月25日 会员:: chattycathy1955
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Excellent journal Moose. Thank you for sharing it all. I think you are at the point where stress has overwhelmed you and you may just be working on autopilot now. Erika may be right about the fall, also indicating to slow down and pay attention to the NOW. Stop stressing about things out of your control. You are right about the foods, we make choices that either hurt or build us up. When we make the wrong choices we feel we can be extra hard on ourselves for the desicion. You have definately come a long long way, learning a lot about YOU! I am glad to read that you smile and joke (the nile) through such a journal. You ARE alive today and feeling your NOW. Just take another step back and enjoy the big picture. You and Bob have lived, are still living and can talk through this. So many ill don't have the strength to talk. Thats why I have a hard time reading about his cancer I think. Grandma was given 6-12 months, she was gone in less then 4. She gave up, and had no strengh for 3 of those months. I miss her, and I didn't even have her when she as alive then *sob. Im sorry, if I said too much. Just soak him in. On more thing to end on a better note. I loved the thought of comparing our 'insides' to others 'outside' -ironic we are here for weight (ousides) but I think I love my fs buddies for knowing their insides a little bit more :) Oh i almost forgot, sorry you fell... hope you are ok! Feel better
2010年02月25日 会员:: cindyshine
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"Before enlightenment, carrying water, chopping wood. After enlightenment, carrying water, chopping wood."
2010年02月25日 会员:: information
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2010年02月25日 会员:: madaboutmoose
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Cynthia ... you could never say too much!!
2010年02月25日 会员:: madaboutmoose
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is that good or bad? *scratching head
2010年02月25日 会员:: cindyshine
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Oh, baby. Hope you feel better soon. Sometimes these things just happen to top off bad days, and sometimes they just happen.
2010年02月25日 会员:: abbadabba
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moose: We have gone through that one before, but I cannot think of anything more appropriate. The two (?) falls, to me, would seem to indicate that you need to slow down and do things in a more deliberate way (no matter what the cost). Otherwise, you could hurt yourself in any number of ways. What you do, why you do it, and most importantly *how* you do it may worth considering a little more carefully.
2010年02月26日 会员:: information
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oh my ((((((hugs))))))). Glad I spent my battery time on your journal today! You know, even without the grateful list, your gratitude shines through in every paragraph of your journal. That's what I love about you. I wish I could somehow magically make things easier for you - even if for just awhile so you can catch your breath! I'm so happy to hear the treatments are almost over. Hopefully that will take a little of the stress away. ((((((hugs)))))) Hang in there! And thank you for being you, and showing us what 'grace under fire' looks like! :)
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Hope you are not feeling too stiff and sore today. We do seem to have little accidents when stress and emotions are high. I'm hoping I'm not going to follow you on this one! Running away sounds like a good idea but it doesn't work beause you spend your time worrying about what you've left behind. The lesson about accepting what you can't change and knowing the difference between what you can and can't change is a hard one. Live in the moment and don't look too far ahead. I've learned that what you fret about almost never happens in the way you think it will and so you've spent a lot of time worrying about the wrong thing. Escaping pysically is probably not a possibility, but a flight of fancy in your head is often uplifting. Take care of yourself because stressing only harms you and doesn't make anything better. Slow down and do what you have to and leave what isn't absolutely necessary. Accept all and any help that's offered. Its almost the week end. Rest, refocus and regroup. ((hugs))
2010年02月26日 会员:: flaxseed
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Hi Moose! I've been thinking of you, I hope you're not too sore this morning. I just read Info's comment and I agree. But I understand that it's not easy to slow down and do things another way... ((Hugs))
2010年02月26日 会员:: jessyline
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Moose! If anyone ever needed to sit on a warm beach with giant cocktail in hand--it is YOU! I also hope you're not feeling the effects of your fall. I agree with Amy 100%. Your gratitude is always there. Loved your journal today. Thanks for sharing your wonderful big picture perspective. It really is true that sometimes focusing on the FOOD and the EATING and the SCALE is way, way easier than dealing with the REST of the stuff. I think that's why so many of experience weight loss as a bit of a let down. It's like, "I followed all the rules and I still have this PILE OF CRAP left to deal with!?!" A bit of "Wherever you go, there you are." Agree with Erika that the fall was a signal to take it easy. LOL--Blades of Glory would be a great one. Last night something made me laugh really hard on TV and I thought, "WOW, I really really need a good laugh." Glad you are able to work from home on papers not people and that Bob is almost done. Sending vibes of peace.
2010年02月26日 会员:: beets_yum
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And I too like Info's quote. Great one.
2010年02月26日 会员:: beets_yum
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{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}
2010年02月26日 会员:: dawn0001
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{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}}}} I wish I could do or say more to and for you. I really do! Thank you for the persepective on perspective and about laying other feelings in a place we feel more in control of. This really speaks to me. I appreciate you sharing so much and am, once again, amazed by how strong and courageous you are.
2010年02月26日 会员:: dawn0001
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