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Do you want to be healed? Sounds like a stupid question initially, at least I've felt that way. Who wants to be sick? However, as I reflect on that question the wisdom of it becomes increasingly profound. Do I want to be healed? I don't like having chronic anxiety or having dealt with depression and mood related issues for aeons, but there's a certain familiarity to it that seems less scary than changing.
It seems so simple that choices are not always overt. Some choices are made by default, like choosing to lie back down on the bed after the alarm went off or eating the food still on my plate after I realized I wasn't hungry. You see, what I chose in those moments was stress and sometimes guilt and shame because I looked at the short term rewards of the options in front of me. By choosing those things I also chose to be late getting up and getting ready in the morning, or I chose to hurt my body and gain some unneeded pounds by sating my desire in the moment and sabotaging my will to take care of myself and get in better shape. Sure the consequences of these choices can be alleviated sometimes by making different choices in subsequent decisions, but in those moments I chose poorly.
I am someone who can easily get VERY paranoid about making mistakes. It's inevitable, but some mistakes are more costly. Sometimes it's hard to know what the outcome may be from poor choices. Can I afford to make the mistakes that I am bound to make? I often wonder this. Yet while the irony of meeting one's destiny in the attempt to avoid it has occurred to me, I feel I should at least try to do my best to avoid mistakes. After all, what is good about them except understanding what is good by the default of what isn't?
In the face of the unknown I find myself looking/ grasping after the familiar and I don't know if that's a good thing.
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