madaboutmoose的日记, 2013年02月5日

Good morning. Where shall I start?

Weight is up 2 lbs but that is due to eating more real food yesterday and drinking less juice. It will come back down this week. DH and I ate at Starbucks yesterday and then he made an amazing Italian chicken sausage, tortellini, pasta dish last nigh and I ate 2 slices of bread with it. I had a spinach wrap and a skinny caramel macias to at Starbucks.

I survived the weekend. I'm doing better with accepting the monumentally stupid thing I did and forgiving myself. I have some changes to make, day by day, but I'm feeling more balanced and less like a bag of shit. It has been a very long 3 days. Very, very, very quiet at my home. DH is having a rough time with my error. But he will either find it in his heart to forgive me, remembering that 26 years of my being there for him should not be erased by a stark reminder that I am very human. I fear he is making himself sicker but there is nothing I can do about that. God has been good to me. I've really been focused on paying attention to my self talk and asking for help, guidance, strength. He can be a very forgiving man but when it comes to me, well I fear he's placed me on a pedestal and I've fallen completely off. Can't say what he is thinking but I do know he is having a very hard time. My behavior triggered it but it has always been his way of dealing with difficulties. He is a very black and white man. I know he loves me. I just pray he can sort through it and we will eventually be closer and stronger because of it, not the opposite.

I didn't rob a bank. I didn't have an affair. Enough said.

I'm actually looking forward to work. He goes back to work tonight. 4 nights here alone. Easier to be alone than alone with someone.

Life goes on and I am still grateful.

For him momentarily holding my hand.
For the brief kiss and hug he permitted.
For the delicious meal he cooked.
For getting the battery cores returned.
For an enjoyable Trader Joe shopping trip.
For realizing that I am okay. In errr? Yes but still a decent human being.
For beginning to understand the thinking and actions I was taking that led me down the slippery slope.
For not diving into food for solace (that has to be a first).
For support here, with my mother, with my dearest friends.
For the support of my ever loving Father. I forgot who was at the wheel and had been steering the boat all alone despite warnings that I was in the midst of a terrible storm.

Guess I'm a slow learner. Today more than ever I am conscious of how important self care and kindness truly is. May I be able to keep that in mind daily. May I make choices that are kind to myself and others. May my DH find it in his heart to forgive me and once again wrap his loving arms around me. May I make choices to earn that love, trust, and forgiveness.

The day beckons me. I can comfortably wear a pair of jeans that not long ago I couldn't button. Breathe. I'm so grateful I am not alone beep vein though you all are miles and miles away. I feel you close to my heart and I cannot thank you enough.