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toribethbby
日记

toribethbby的日记

 
1到5，总共5

2011年05月9日

2011年05月9日

My life story, pretty much.


I was born to my 125 pound, 18 year old, unmarried mother and 17 year old, still in high school father. My grandmother raised me the first 9 years of my life and I was normal just like everyone else. The preschool teachers favorite kid, the most well behaved. My mother worked two average jobs to support the cost a a child. She would be gone before I woke up, and wouldn't come home until I was asleep through out my childhood. I visited my father about once every 2-3 months. I played outside and ate home-cooked meals.

My mother began to see an older man of which my grandmother didn't approve. So my mother took me and said they would take care of me. Fast food twice a day for a 7 year old. They gave me food every time they wanted me to be quiet. I ended up back at my grandmothers on week nights. She would make me clean my huge plate of food she had fixed before I could leave the table every time we ate.

I was in the third grade. My grandfather had picked me up and dropped me off for school since kindergarten. He always came inside to wait for me in the lobby. One autumn day he stood there as I came down the hall to leave school. I grabbed his right hand to walk out of the door when his grip around my fingers softened. I looked up at him and his eye rolled back into his head. He let go and collapsed onto the ground in front of the door. Adults rushed in and pushed me back, the counselor dragging him under his arms outside of the door. I was led away and didn't see him until the next day. He had a stroke and was now to be paralyzed on the right side of his body for the rest of his life. I realized I was the last one to be with him as a fully able adult.

My single again mother managed to move us into a trailer on the back end of my grandmother's property. I had been too much for her boyfriend to handle and he left her for a childless woman. She would leave me at home all afternoon while she was at work, and I would walk to my grandmothers every night around 10 to sleep so I wouldn't be alone while she was bar hopping looking for a new man. She would never answer the phone when I called to see if she was ok.

I was about 10 when my weight started to separate me from the rest of my class of about 55 students. I was 2 inches taller than most of my classmates and 2nd tallest among them all. I had started visiting my dad and his family less and less until I just saw them on my birthday and Christmas. I was getting no child support and 100$ as the same gift every year.

I started feeling signs of depression around age 12. I was now substantially heavier than the girls in my class of 75. Still 2nd tallest and heavier than any other girl. That's when the other girls became cruel and intolerant. I wasn't into makeup and purses. I liked Broadway shows and musicals. I didn't want to act like a cheerleader, I wanted to play on computers. I wanted to read, not pull my shirt down and stick out my butt to try and get boys attention. I didn't match up with anyone.

Age 13 I started a new part of my life and became a step closer to being a woman. I gained weight and tried to figure out how life was suppose to be. The boy I had a crush on and sat next to everyday was way out of my league. He was popular and everyone liked him. He would poke fun at me, but not mean like everyone else. He would make me laugh with him. I would think often to myself how one day he would notice me differently and things would work out. I wrote a love note to give to him when we got back from Christmas break. The night before school started on Monday he was killed in an accident. I found out on the 10 o'clock news that night.

Around age 14 I was deeply depressed and started to lose self values and motivation. My grades dropped from A's & B's to D's and F's. I was failing every subject and that forced me into the school special education category. I was tested for multiple problems including ADD, ADHD, Autism, and many other common adolescent conditions. The results were that I was able to pay attention indirectly and directly more than 95% of people my age. That led to more tests, evaluations and waiting. I was in the 7th grade.

I was admitted into the gifted program with an IQ of 147.
Full of teacher's kids and their friends, nerds who had known each other from day one in 2nd grade and super smart kids that were actually there for the math. I didn't fall into either clique and sat at a table for 6 alone once a week in the corner for 5 hours. I was the top of the class my first year there out of 80 in my county. Yet I was still failing regular classes. Aced every main test. Failed classwork and homework.

My SAT scores and ACT scores were within the top 20% percentile, top 2% in Reading/Language, top 6% in History/Science and in the lower 40% for Math/Algebra. I found my lowest scores were always in math. The most of the bullying came during Physical education and Lunch. In between the two were my math class.

This trend continued into 8th, 9th, and 10th grade. Summer school every summer in between. Summer school in between 5th and 6th grade, I was put into a class of 10th graders going into 11th. I passed 2nd highest in the class. The teachers were more impressed with me at summer school than my year long teachers. Between 10th and 11th grade I failed with a 45 average in Algebra II, a 64.2 in Biology, and a 63.3 in History. I needed a 65 in each to pass.I was able to complete 2 whole classes with year long content in 3 weeks. I sat there for the last week watching everyone scramble to finish their first failed class, wondering why they wouldn't let me work on my 3rd failed class. I was able to do math in a week and 4 days, history in a week and 1. I could have been done with biology in a week, but according to regulations I would now have to take 2 science classes, one in the morning, and the last class of the day where I would have to stay an extra 80 minutes after school 3 days of the week in my 11th grade year and still be counted as a 10th grader doing all 11th grade work with 10th grade class.

I didn't agree with the superintendent of our school board. I spoke with him personally on 3 occasions where he made promises to change my status as a student that he never kept.

My mother had a jobless, "I'm 35 and still live with my mother" boyfriend at the time who didn't like me much. He live an hour away from us, so we would stay there on the weekends and she would let me skip school Mondays so she could spend another night locked up in his room while I sat on the couch, eating, watching tv.

We finally had enough money to buy a real house. We moved 7 miles away from my grandmothers. I spent the first night in the house on the day before my 15th birthday. I thought I could get my life together then. Make friends and have sleep-overs. Be more sociable.

She ended the relationship with the jobless bum to go back to another on and off boyfriend of hers that she had met through her bestfriend. It was her bf's son, a Marine for 8 years of his life at the time. He was to be deployed on his 2nd tour to the front lines of the middle east when they decided to get married. They had 2 weeks together before he was shipped off for 9 months. He was a prescription pill addict, like the rest of his blood family, and was heavy into cocaine. He was skinny and asked me why I wasn't. I was 15 5'6" and weighed 245 pounds. He was 33, 6'2" and weighed 143, all in muscle. His comments to me didn't help my situation. He deployed and was gone, along with that problem for now.

I started talking to my current boyfriend when I was 15 in summer school that year. He was from my same school, a year ahead of me and all ready had a girlfriend. I got his phone number, and was let down on many occasions, finally hanging out with him for the first time after the first Friday of the new school year.

I turned 16 5 days before the start of my 11th grade year. I had lost what few friends I had over trivial matters and dreaded the first day of school. I was looking for new friends and sought them out through the boy who would soon turn my life upside down inside out and back around again. His friends weren't in school. Hanging out became a normal occasion, 3 or 4 times a week. They weren't the only new people I began to associate with. A girl I knew, Tara, a year younger than me asked to hang out and go to a party. I was 16 and had a car, so I knew that's why she asked me. I didn't care, I got to at least hang out with people my age.I couldn't say no to anyone.

About 3 months into the school year I was skipping classes. A few at first until I was skipping half days and whole days at a time. I had a car and a way to leave when ever I wanted. I would show up for my first class, get put on roll call and sneak out the back and goof off the rest of the day. I would make plans and skip school to hang out with a guy named Skylar I had met through Tara from the city school that was 15 miles away. Tara and I were together almost everyday. I was excited to have a best friend to talk to. She was a size 2 with flaming red hair and piercing ice blue eyes and I was a size 20, plain brown hair, funky brown eyes. She was also vegetarian. I envied her ability to eat huge amounts of non-meat items and not gain any weight. Her boyfriend had graduated earlier that year when she was still in the 9th grade. They were together for 4 1/2 years, something I had also envied because I had never even had a boyfriend. He broke up with her to be with a high school pass around that was in community college all ready. She was heartbroken and angry at the world , I was heartbroken and angry at myself. I was going to be skinny like her. Not 10x bigger.

My step father had returned stateside and was stationed 600 miles away from us. He spent 4 nights at our house before he never came back. He made fun of me and argued with my mother about everything, calling her names and pushing me down when I got in between them. He left and had a girlfriend in 3 days. The divorce didn't go through for 2 years. He cleaned out our house of everything worth money and sold it. They bought cocaine with the money. The 30 yo. woman he was seeing sent me messages calling me names and cursing, threatening me, my mother, my pet cat and she sent baby magazines in my name to my address, and lingerie magazines in her name to our house.

In desperate times call for desperate measures, I was willing to do anything and I couldn't wait to do it. Skylar was hard into drugs, but you wouldn't know it by looking at him. He was 6', slender and athletic. He played basketball for his school but was cut from the team because of the trouble he was in over drugs. He ate like a horse. 2 big mac's and a 10 piece chicken nugget, large fries and a coke at one time. He had the money and for once he was paying for everything that was his plus a little more. He worked fast food and ate twice at work too. Sky and I hung out together during the day when Tara stayed at school. He told me he could help me lose weight so I listened. We drove to a housing complex and he got out. I thought he was going to get some diet pills from someone. He came back and we went back to his apartment.

Sitting on his bed, he pulled out a bag, and a lighter. That was the first drug I had ever done. I was doing something I never thought I would do. But I was straight into hard drugs. I smoked my first hit of crack cocaine at age 16 before I had ever smoked a cigarette. I had thought about smoking marijuana because I knew people that did it. They seemed happier than I was, and in a worse situation. I didn't try it because it makes you gain weight. I knew what I was doing would make me skinny eventually, but at what price?

I did it 8 times over 3 months. I stopped eating in front of anyone. I was active. I took any pill Sky or Tara put in front of me. In 6 months I weighed 185 pounds from the previous 245. I was happy the weight was coming off, but I started to feel guilty when Eric asked what was happening to me.

I physically hurt myself under the influence of a combination of drugs and was sent to the hospital for medical evaluation. They sent me to a psychologist. I had 12 sessions with him, all of which consisted of the same thing. "Why do you do what you do?" He wasn't helpful and just made me feel inferior.

Eric was the guy from summer school, my current boyfriend. I had started to like him in the months since summer school but I knew his type. I knew about his past and how he hurt his last girl friend by cheating on her with pretty much everyone. I'll tell you now, I fell for it the first time. The second, third, fourth, fifth, and sixth time too. He has been nothing but loyal for over a year, and we love each other more than ever. He's lived with me for 2 years. He was the reason I stopped doing drugs. He gave his love to me for me to stop.

My weight began to increase from 185 and has slowly crept back up over the past 2 years. I've alienated myself from everyone who helped me do those things and have become a shut in who eats for fun again. I was up to 243 when I decided to eat less. I made it down to 238 in 3 months and decided I needed help this time, and not from illegal drugs. I made an appointment and got prescription vitamins, and a low dose diet pill to take once a day. I'm on an Atkins like diet and leave out breads, refined sugars, potatoes and drink only water.

I hope to make a lifestyle change for the better and save enough to make something for my own. It will be hard doing it the right way and I feel this website might help me. I've never been this open with anyone. I hope it works.

2011年05月9日

2011年05月9日

I started my journey on May 5th. I weighed in at 238.8 in the doctors office, and I knew something had to be done. I went and got a prescription filled, and began my diet plan. I have fought all of my teenage life to lose a little weight. My build is larger than most, so I carry the extra fat evenly and with my height no one can ever guess my real weight. I feel that I will be successful in my goal to look good naked :) I'm doing this while I'm young so I have a chance to regain tight skin and keep my muscles in shape. I live at the beach, and never go to the beach during tourist season because I feel uncomfortable in my one piece and cover up when I have to stare at all of the fit girls in bikinis :(. Today I weighed myself at home and weigh 228.9 . That's 9 pounds in about 5 days. I admit to practically starving myself compared to my normal daily intake..but I know that will burn muscle instead of fat. I'm upping my calories from 650 and vitamins to 1000 a day. I know 650 is extreme, but I'm desperate. My mom is overweight, my boyfriend, my mom's boyfriend.... I'm keeping my dieting a secret to all but my boyfriend who I tell everything. My mom knows I'm dieting, but not to what extent. I have made myself reclusive since dropping out of high school in the beginning of 11th grade. Don't take me wrong I wasn't dumb, I was actually in the gifted program... I couldn't handle the ridicule handed down by everyone around me. I sat silent for 5 hours everyday in gifted. I never had a lab partner. I always did projects on my own. Teachers didn't even care. I dropped out of school by just not showing up. I never had to sign any papers. I had just disappeared and was marked absent everyday. I was even on my senior year's roster. So much for that. I stopped talking to the few friends I had.. I stopped being around to hand out money and they were gone. I had been paying for my friends. Not one of them had contacted me in over a year and a half, yet I see them all talking to each other on facebook. Even people who hated each other are now friends and yet no one has even bothered to say Hi... I've sent messages to some, only to get deleted or no response...I have been depressed since age 12. I never understood why no one would be my friend. Older kids I didn't even know made fun of me on the sidewalk.. I was in the 9th grade before I had a "best friend" to talk to. I've hated myself for as long as I can remember. I only saw my dad 3 or 4 times a year. I lived with my grandmother until I was 10, just to move into a trailer on their property. My single mother had many boyfriends and I was alone most of the time at home. I never went anywhere or had anybody over. I sat on the couch from age 10 and ate for comfort. Ate for something to do. I ate because it was the only thing that made me happy. I was lonely and food was the only thing that never left my side. My grandmother was always fighting with my mother. She would ridicule everything she did, and indirectly to me through her. I have always felt worthless, so why bother? Bother with anything including the simple tasks of life. I'm ready to change my life. I can escape from all that holds me down. I can be loved by everyone. I'm trying to do a complete 180 with everything around me. No one lives forever, and I don't want to be alone for it any of it. I've had somewhat suicidal thoughts along with the depression. Sometimes stronger feelings than others, and I have the scars to prove it. I don't want to be this way and I know it's not who I really am. I can close my eyes and see who I want to be. I'm tired of it damn it. I'm ready to change for me. I'm not changing for anyone else but me. I'm worrying and eating myself to death. I can do it...If this doesn't work..I'm not sure where I'll end up. I'm going to try. I have to.
体重: 最近减少: 还有: 饮食准则:
103.9 公斤 4.1 公斤 42.6 公斤 100％

2011年05月9日

体重: 最近减少: 还有: 饮食准则:
103.9 公斤 4.1 公斤 42.6 公斤 100％


toribethbby的体重历史

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