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As I sat down to write this morning I came across on old journal entry from the summer of 2009. There was such a sharp contrast between running experiences, then and now. Ironically both were written immediately after returning home from a run. Everything about the runs were the same. The only exception being my mind set.
THEN- July 6, 2009
So I am fat. It seems to be the theme for my life of late. Folds and creases, trapping sticky sweat. Disgusting. It is there, for all to see, my disgrace. How vile I must appear.
Tonight I ran, or at least I attempted to. I could feel the dull thump of my heart and my clumsy fat feet hit the pavement below me. I could hear the tired wheeze of my inactive lungs. My thoughts raced. The folds of my heavy sides slammed up and down as my body continued forward in its attempt to run. Runners always appeared so fluid to me. They seemed to almost float above the ground; their sweat more like rain than stench. I knew that I did not look so graceful. I could feel the heat on my face and the angry red stain on my cheeks. My running was as pitiful as my body had become. One foot in front of the other, focus on the tree line in front of me. Perhaps if I kept going I could find a way to out run my body. Maybe I could leave it behind on the cement, a pile of lumpy flesh.
TODAY- January 26, 2010
They say that pain is weakness leaving the body. This is what I told myself this morning as I forced myself to run. I say forced only because as I headed out the door this morning I discovered a huge blister on the side of my foot. Every step I took was painful. I contemplated turning back to see about fixing my blister but I decided to keep going. At one point I stopped on the side walk, took off my shoe, and attempted to relieve the pressure by popping it. With no luck at all I put my shoe on and kept walking. Then it was time to run. “I can do this” and…………. I did. I needed this, wanted it so bad. To feel the rush of the world flying by and the wind washing over me. I did not feel the pain in my foot. I felt alive. Today, I was able to leave my body behind. I flew ahead of it, one foot in front of the other, moving forward toward a better future.
The thing about this journey is that there are so many ups and downs. There are days where I just want the world to go away and there are days that I am on top of it. Both of these journal entries are my truths. I am sometimes a woman who despises herself, and I am sometimes a woman with great strength and conviction. I am not ashamed to admit either truth.
“We do not grow absolutely, chronologically. We grow sometimes in one dimension, and not in another; unevenly. We grow partially. We are relative. We are mature in one realm, childish in another. The past, present, and future mingle and pull us backward, forward, or fix us in the present” - ANAIS NIN
Todays Goals:
1. 30 minutes of exercise GOAL ACHIEVED
4. Eat only healthy foods
5. Get three orders done
6. drink 5 glasses of water
7. Do not drink more that 14 ounces of wine
8. record all food in my food
9. Take a daily vitamin GOAL ACHOMPLISEHD
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1110 千卡
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脂肪: 30.59克 | 蛋白质: 79.49克 | 碳水物: 41.69克.
早餐: Extra Virgin Olive Oil, Asparagus, chicken breast, Original Powder Creamer, Coffee (Brewed From Grounds). 午餐: Jalapeno Peppers, Sweet Onions, chicken breast. 小食/其他: Cabernet Sauvignon Wine, Original Powder Creamer, Coffee (Brewed From Grounds). 更多的......
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2122 千卡
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运动:
跑步（慢跑） - 8公里/小时 - 15 分钟, 步行（中等的） - 5公里/小时 - 15 分钟, 休息 - 15 小时 和 30 分钟, 睡眠 - 8 小时. 更多的......
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