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Started today with a great outlook on the day with great possibilities. I had decided yesterday to go through the mass that surrounds my tv in the living room (that I don't watch) and sell of the CDs, DVDs and books I'm not going to use anymore. The ones that have been sitting there gathering dust. I had no issue getting rid of the CDs cause I use spottily for my musical needs and my taste has changed since that small collection was bought. Done. I had some issues with the movies, cause I really love the 2-3 dozen I have...though I don't watch them. Why? Cause my DVD player or it's cable were acting wonky a while back and I tried to mess with it and gave up. So I don't watch DVD on the tv because I can't. So I decided to fix that while I took out my cable box because it sucks and I am now using the money for Spotify. Anyway, got stuff ready to go in bags to take to used book/movie/music store then got involved with tv hookups. OMG...I hate these things. I could figure it out, if I felt like reading all the different books (I've done it before), but I didn't feel like it. In fact, after messing with it, I felt deflated, defeated and depressed. Damn! All I want to do is watch my DVDs and football games on the tv using my digital box...but now I need an antenna. Double damn!!
Then my mom needed something front the store. I got it, took it to her and felt VERY overwhelmed in her house like I usually do because there is soooo much stuff. You can't move in her house. It sucks every bit of energy out of me to do anything for her in that house. So I came home and laid on the sofa all day reading my ebook. I accomplished very little and now have so much to do tomorrow. This is why I hate going to see my mom. Her and the house are energy vampires. UGH.
I feel like my day got away from me and I feel like I'm running behind. Tomorrow hasn't gotten her and yet I feel like it's kicked my ass already because I know all that I have to do.
I also found an unmarked CD by my tv. Popped it in the computer and it was all the pics my dad had on old floppy discs that I transferred over so I could have them. So I've been crying some today also. I really miss my dad. It's been 7 1/2 years since he passed away and I can't think of him without crying still. Next month is his b-day, my mom's b-day and their anniversary. My mom gets very difficult to deal with because she gets mean with everyone instead of talking about her feelings. I know what's coming and I really don't want to deal with it.
I'm going to try and focus on my continuing changes and that fact that she is hurting and to let it go...even if she hurts me in the process, because she is oblivious to everyone else and their feelings around her most of the time.
Did I mention PMS/TOM too? Yeah, that's got my head and emotions effed up right now. I know this, yet I can't change the 'sad' I feel because of it. I do have so much to look forward to this week....workout tomorrow, starting my 2nd shift this coming week at 11 instead of 4pm, my workout on Wednesday (which will now be mornings), working out with my girlfriends Thursday morning in the park, finally getting over being sick (I am feeling a lot better)...but I am still stuck in this depressive, sad place today that just wants to quit. I'm not eating a bunch of crap. I'm not being self-destructive like I would have in the past. But I feel like there's no hope. I know tomorrow will be better. But what is triggering these feelings? The season's shortening days, my mom's depressive living situation, my PMS, my being lonely? *sigh* Sorry, I don't know where all that poured out from but that's how I feel right now.
I can't wait to get all the crap that I'm getting rid out out of my house. Because now, instead of it sitting in closets and against wall collecting dust, it's in the way and I'm tripping over it, wishing it gone.
[i]"This body, full of faults, has yet one great quality: Whatever it encounters in this temporal life depends upon one's actions. —Nagarjuna
"When we meet real tragedy in life, we can react in two ways–either by losing hope an dfalling tino self-destructive habits, or by using the challenge to find our inner strength. —Dalai Lama[/i]
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